Article by Kalman Heller

Eric had just been promoted to Vice President of Marketing. It had been an important goal and much sacrifice was involved. Yet, he immediately began experiencing anxiety attacks. In talking about his life, he shared a picture of a marriage that was good in many respects, but lacking intimacy in terms of an insufficient sharing of feelings and an inadequate sexual relationship. His issue, not uncommon for men, was his fear that he would not be able to live up to the new expectations that came with his promotion. Interestingly, Eric was not just concerned about disappointing his CEO but also his wife.

A mother who had very high expectations for him had raised Eric and, in his mind, she had withdrawn her affection whenever his achievements disappointed her. Clearly he seemed to be projecting this same expectation onto his wife, Alissa. She had experienced a difficult childhood in which her father had left the family when she was a child and she became a primary caretaker of her younger siblings. Like many women, Alissa felt it was her responsibility to “fix” relationship problems, but she was hindered by her deep fear that she would be abandoned in a close relationship. Each spouse was living with these concerns but either unaware or unwilling to share them. When Eric finally shared his fear of disappointing Alissa, she was able to share her fear that his success would result in his leaving her. Their ability to share these fears, which reflected a significant risk-taking for both, brought them much closer together.

We all bring “baggage” from our early years into our significant relationships. A father who worked long hours and wasn’t available, a mother who screamed a lot, a father or mother who had a drinking problem, a sibling who tormented us or set standards we felt we couldn’t live up to, a death of a sibling, or a divorce. The list is lengthy and the events can be obvious or subtle. Also, the impact will vary among the children based on the latter’s different personalities and the timing in their lives. This is not about blaming parents for the problems in our lives. This is about understanding the dependency and vulnerability of children, the way they view the world, and the resulting concerns that they nearly always bring with them into their adult lives about trust, intimacy, and fears of loss and abandonment. Even in the best of family environments, children not only experience painful disappointments but also are faced with the daunting task of separating from their primary caretakers.

For many years couples have focused on how the lack of time in their beleaguered lives is the primary reason why their marriages have lacked intimacy. Of course, the chronic pattern of pushing marital needs to the end of lengthy “TO DO” lists sabotages closeness and partnership. But is it simply a lack of time or is it just another way to deal with the scariest aspect of relationships?

Intimacy is very risky. It requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship that each person will experience a sense of dependency on the other. To admit to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt. For ALL of us, this is difficult. Dependency is a negative concept in our society. Men, especially, are taught to strive for independence. The joke about men not asking for directions is not really very funny when you realize it is imbedded into the training of most males not to admit to needing help. Dependency has been feminized over the years and inappropriately labeled as a weakness. This is part of how society’s message affects its members.

Intimacy is more than admitting to needing others. It also requires a sharing of one’s fears and dreams, a process that contributes to a strong feeling of vulnerability. Each of us carries enough self-doubt, guilt, and shame to make the process of sharing our private worlds scary. It is hard for most of us to believe that if someone else REALLY knows us, they will still love us. The very nature of falling in love contributes significantly to this problem. We idealize our partner when our hearts shape our visions and expectations of this special person. Ultimately we become trapped in the curse of not being able to live up to those unrealistic expectations. In this context, it is even more difficult to admit to our failings and fears.

Given all of these factors, it is no wonder that couples find it very difficult to establish an intimate marriage. Couples carry out a “dance of intimacy” in which they get as close as either or both can tolerate and then they have an argument or do something that permits a pulling back to a safe distance. It is this “dance” that is central to decisions to not make time to talk to each other, not go out and have fun together, go to bed at different times, rarely make love, keep monies separate, or, simply, keep their lives separate.

When couples face these fears, on their own or with the help of a therapist, it is often amazing how they can make changes that result in increased intimacy. They may arrange to go to bed at the same time, find a way to have an occasional meal alone, talk to each other more frequently, make love more frequently, stop allowing children to dominate their marriage, or simply admit they really need and want each other. The fighting decreases because it is no longer needed to protect their “secrets.” The time factor, while still a challenge, is no longer the excuse for a poor relationship. In fact a contradiction often occurs: Spending more time as a couple ends up saving time. Their relationship, as spouses and parents, becomes more efficient because they are in sync. So don’t get stuck in saying there’s not enough time for the relationship. Think about other reasons why getting close might be scary. Then do something to change it.

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