Intimate Glass

by williamhartz

Article by Kalman Heller

Eric had just been promoted to Vice Head of Marketing. It had been an vital goal and much sacrifice was involved. Yet, he immediately started experiencing anxiety attacks. In discussion about his life, he shared a picture of a marriage that was excellent in many respects, but lacking intimacy in stipulations of an insufficient sharing of feelings and an inadequate sexual relationship. His issue, not uncommon for men, was his dread that he would not be able to live up to the new expectations that came with his promotion. Fascinatingly, Eric was not just concerned about disappointing his CEO but also his wife.

A care for who had very high expectations for him had raised Eric and, in his mind, she had withdrawn her affection when his achievements disappointed her. Clearly he seemed to be projecting this same expectation onto his wife, Alissa. She had experienced a trying childhood in which her member of the clergy had left the family as she was a child and she became a primary warden of her younger siblings. Like many women, Alissa felt it was her responsibility to “fix” relationship problems, but she was hindered by her deep dread that she would be abandoned in a close relationship. Each spouse was income with these concerns but either unaware or unwilling to share them. As Eric finally shared his dread of disappointing Alissa, she was able to share her dread that his success would result in his leaving her. Their ability to share these fears, which reflected a significant risk-taking for both, brought them much quicker together.

We all result in “baggage” from our ahead of schedule years into our significant relationships. A member of the clergy who worked long hours and wasn’t available, a care for who screamed a lot, a member of the clergy or care for who had a drinking problem, a sibling who tormented us or set standards we felt we couldn’t live up to, a death of a sibling, or a divorce. The list is lengthy and the events can be obvious or subtle. Also, the impact will contrast among the family based on the end’s different personalities and the timing in their lives. This is not about blaming parents for the problems in our lives. This is about understanding the dependency and vulnerability of family, the way they view the world, and the ensuing concerns that they nearly permanently result in with them into their adult lives about trust, intimacy, and fears of loss and abandonment. Even in the best of family environments, family not only encounter painful disappointments but also are faced with the daunting chore of separating from their primary caretakers.

For many years couples have all ears on how the lack of time in their beleaguered lives is the primary reason why their marriages have lacked intimacy. Of course, the chronic sample of pushing marital needs to the end of lengthy “TO DO” lists sabotages closeness and partnership. But is it simply a lack of time or is it just another way to deal with the scariest aspect of relationships?

Intimacy is very risky. It requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship that each person will encounter a sense of dependency on the other. To declare to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt. For ALL of us, this is trying. Dependency is a negative concept in our society. Men, especially, are taught to strive for independence. The joke about men not asking for directions is not really very amusing as you realize it is imbedded into the training of most males not to declare to needing help. Dependency has been feminized over the years and inappropriately labeled as a weakness. This is section of how society’s message affects its members.

Intimacy is more than admitting to needing others. It also requires a sharing of one’s fears and dreams, a process that contributes to a strong suspicion of vulnerability. Each of us carries enough self-doubt, guilt, and shame to get on to the process of sharing our private worlds scary. It is tough for most of us to believe that if someone else REALLY knows us, they will still like us. The very nature of falling in like contributes significantly to this problem. We idealize our partner as our hearts shape our visions and expectations of this special person. Eventually we become spellbound in the curse of not being able to live up to those unrealistic expectations. In this context, it is even more trying to declare to our failings and fears.

Given all of these factors, it is no wonder that couples find it very trying to establish an intimate marriage. Couples carry out a “dance of intimacy” in which they get as close as either or both can tolerate and then they have an argument or do something that permits a pulling in trade to a safe distance. It is this “dance” that is central to decisions to not get on to time to talk to each other, not go out and have fun together, go to bed at different times, seldom get on to like, keep monies separate, or, simply, keep their lives separate.

As couples face these fears, on their own or with the help of a therapist, it is often incredible how they can get on to changes that result in increased intimacy. They may arrange to go to bed at the same time, find a way to have an rare meal alone, talk to each other more frequently, get on to like more frequently, stop allowing family to dominate their marriage, or simply declare they really need and want each other. The fighting decreases because it is no longer needed to care for their “secrets.” The time factor, while still a challenge, is no longer the excuse for a poor relationship. In fact a contradiction often occurs: Spending more time as a couple ends up saving time. Their relationship, as spouses and parents, becomes more efficient because they are in sync. So don’t get stuck in saying there’s not enough time for the relationship. Reckon about other reasons why getting close might be scary. Then do something to exchange it.

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