Help for the Partners of Sex Addicts
HELP FOR THE PARTNERS OF
SEX ADDICTS
Frequently Questioned Questions
(FAQ’s)
byDorothy C. Hayden, LCSW
dhayden@nyc.rr.com
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is an fanatical relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities reside in a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, ensuing in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in vital areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.
Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual actions, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and glue in intimate relationships. The syndrome is embedded in ahead of schedule attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this ahead of schedule attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.
Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.
While there currently is no diagnosis of sex addiction in the DSM-IV, clinicians in the sex addiction field have developed general criteria for diagnosing sex addiction. If an individual meets three or more of these criteria, he/she could be considered a sex addict:
1. Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses in order to engage in compulsive sexual behaviors.
2. Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent, or over a longer period of time than intended.
3. Persistent question or unsuccessful efforts to stop or power those behaviors.
4. Preoccupation with sexual actions or elementary activities. (rituals)
5. Frequent engaging in the actions as expected to discharge occupational, literary, domestic or social obligations.
6. Continuation of the actions despite recurrent social, financial, psychological, or marital problems that is caused by the actions.
7. Giving up or limiting social, occupational or recreational activities due to the actions.
8. Distress, anxiety, impatience or irritability if unable to engage in the actions.
9. Distress, anxiety, impatience or irritability after he/she does engage in the actions.
How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?
Sometimes, it’s trying to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive actions or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.
Here are some of the signs and symptoms:
* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Mess .
* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs .
* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform
them of their whereabouts .
* Are scheming during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or
after sex .
* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place .
* Gets mad if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography
* Offers no appropriate communication during sex
* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers small or no genuine intimacy in the relationship
* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them
* Fails to account for increasing number of toll — 800 or 900 — calls
* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes
* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them
* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them
* Feels depressed
* Is increasingly dishonest
* Hides pornography at work or home
* Lacks close friends of the same sex
* Frequently uses sexual humor
* Permanently has a excellent reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).
Why can’t he/she power his/her sexual actions?
It’s vital for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can start to know and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.
It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most trying to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which makes impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More significantly, people who like and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.
From a biological standpoint, research has shown that certain formations in the right temporal lobe get on to certain individuals more prone to sexual arousability from birth. Whether or not such an individual becomes sexually compulsive or perverse then depends on the child’s home environment.
Research has also shown that the inability to power sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse power problems of many sexual compulsives.
Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these ahead of schedule-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.
This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Suspicion of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex play a role rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a disorder of instant euphoria.
Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical disorder can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms ordinarily disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.
What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?
Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be copious, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s encounter is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to know and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.
But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.
Arguable, one function and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual encounter from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary spur to autoerotic actions produces profound disconnection of the sexual encounter from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship dependability.
Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual encounter — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual actions. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and