Intimate Glass

not discussing their issues.

 

Hence, both partners keep themselves isolated in their emotions. Tribulations in their own

sexual relationship – a central “break” to be fixed – are rooted in certain core beliefs

that they hold. The addict’s main core belief is that sex is his most valuable need.  The

partner of the sex addict’s main core belief is that sex is the most valuable sign of kindness.

 

Two more “breaks” in the marriage can be traced to communication breakdown and loss

of trust. Neither spouse has effective conflict-resolution skills.  Also, both of them be inflicted with

difficulty setting boundaries on what sexual behaviors they can accept and where they

insist on drawing the line.

 

Be positive because there are a variety of places you can go. First, find a therapist conversant with these issues. Couples report that isolation is their number one enemy. Take the first bold step with your spouse to open up and talk with each other. Acknowledge there are tribulations and you both want to resolve them. At that time look into the self-aid available to you. There are 12- step programs for the sex addict and for the sexual codependent.. There are also 12- step programs for couples. All of these groups emulate the Alcoholics Anonymous model, which emphasizes the importance of peer support and identification with others who be inflicted with dead through what you’ve dead through.

 

 

You need to break out of the burden of isolation you’ve positioned on yourself due to feelings of guilt and shame. Bringing it into the open and sharingwith other sympathetic couples is invaluable. In couples counseling you’ll discuss subjects that impact your relationships in major ways. Approximately of these are the renewal of trust, how to work on your communication skills for problem solving, and how to really listen to each other without displeasure.

 

Be open to understanding that you both will do well as you accept the need for

patience. Recovery, with all, is a process. Just as the tribulations you are experiencing

didn’t evolve in ten minutes, keep in mind that healing requires a commitment of time.

Recovering couples stress this, and emphasize that they maintain a positive outlook

because they feel excellent along the way. They know they are empowering themselves

and culture self esteem.

 

Couples who be inflicted with participated in therapy, plus 12 step programs for the addict, the partner of the addict, plus the couples’ 12 step groups, be inflicted with demonstrated a extremely excellent accomplishment rate.

 

There is one essential tool you can avail yourself of, and that is seeking behavior with a professional who specializes in sex addiction behavior.  Joint professional counseling will enhance your private recovery.  Devoting yourselves to self-discovery together is a choice that will yield exceptional results in time.

 

And remember this – once you choose to take the journey, you will start to experience

many rewards along the road. One of them is an always increasing private frankness in your

spirit. You will learn strengths you never knew you were capable of, and courage you

never knew you had.  It is possible for you and your spouse to be inflicted with a loving, intimate, sexual relationship despite having been through the trauma of active sex addiction.

 

How can couples counseling aid us?

Most couples who come for couples therapy with discovery are in a high state of reactivity, with communication being limited to blame/defense.  There is a high degree of projection (seeing the things you like least in this area yourself in your partner) and a small degree of self-focus.  The tendency is to react immediately and emotionally, with no time agreed for reflective thinking.  One task of the therapist is to make a safe, non-volatile space by gradually guiding each person to commit to self-focus which reduces blame and defense.

 

The therapist will do approximately psychoeducational pieces on sex addiction and co-addiction to normalize each person’s feelings and further reduce blame.  Not anything can be through in this area the quality of the marriage unless each person commits to a private program of recovery: an “S” meeting for the addict, and COSA or S-Immediately for the co-addict.  The couple can come out of the shadow of shame in this area living with sex addiction through identifying with others who be inflicted with dead through similar experiences.  Here, finally, they find people they can talk to in this area what they’ve been hiding from family and acquaintances.  Regular attendance at meetings gives organize and accountability to the life of the sex addict.  A co-addict who works on the steps with a trusted sponsor is renewing her commitment to focus on herself and her own issues, renouncing her focus and pre-occupation with the addict.

Sex addicts and sexual codependents usually be inflicted with never experienced healthy bonding with and cultivation from their parents.  This impairs their ability to be inflicted with thriving bonding and separation in subsequent relationships in adult life.  The therapist might hypothesis a “genogram” which is a graphic depiction of three generations of each person’s family.  It shows psychiatric and physical tribulations throughout the generations such as alcoholism, divorce, hospitalizations,etc.  The genogram also reveals the quality of family relationships, indicating where there was enmeshment and where there was distancing.  With a clear understanding of family-of-origin issues, the couple can know themselves and each other and develop awareness of what triggers are coming from the past.

 

Couples counseling enables the couple to reach a point of mutual interdependence in which both partners be inflicted with lives outside of the relationship, but also feel committed to it.  The partners need each other, but are comfortable with independent lives of their own.  Over time, each develops a new sense of “Self”-in relationship.

 

Couples counseling facilitates reaching this state of mutual interdependence.  Both members of the relationship are positive to accept mutual responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship.  As lingering as one partner is blaming the other for all of their couple tribulations, progress will be slow. Recounting the history of the relationship will be a part of this process.  How be inflicted with each other’s addictions and co-addictions affected the relationship?  What consequences be inflicted with been experienced?  What strategies be inflicted with the partners tried to heal themselves that haven’t worked?  What are the repetitive arguments and fights?  What is the nature of the collective shame in the relationship?  How does each partner trigger the other’s issues?

 

Each person needs to acknowledge that they will do again the mistakes of their previous relationships if they don’t consider the dysfunctional characteristics each one brings from the past.  Exploring psychodynamic wounds in each other will be a part of the process.

 

Each individual in the couple learns how to exchange instant gratification for the joy of ongoing intimacy.  Sexual addict/codependents find that this intimacy and the trust, mutual understanding, and the emotional/spiritual/physical closeness it makes from having through the work can be qualities that few couples always experience.

 

Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW

www.sextreatment.com

dhayden@nyc.rr.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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