Help for the Partners of Sex Addicts
HELP FOR THE PARTNERS OF
SEX ADDICTS
Frequently Questioned Questions
(FAQ’s)
byDorothy C. Hayden, LCSW
dhayden@nyc.rr.com
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, ensuing in an imbalance in the person’s by and large functioning in valuable areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt in this area the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.
Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
Even as the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious desires, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.
Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.
Even as there currently is no diagnosis of sex addiction in the DSM-IV, clinicians in the sex addiction field be inflicted with developed general criteria for diagnosing sex addiction. If an individual meets three or more of these criteria, he/she could be considered a sex addict:
1. Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses in order to engage in compulsive sexual behaviors.
2. Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent, or over a longer period of time than intended.
3. Persistent desire or unsuccessful hard work to stop or control those behaviors.
4. Preoccupation with sexual behavior or preparatory activities. (rituals)
5. Frequent engaging in the behavior as expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations.
6. Continuation of the behavior despite recurrent social, fiscal, psychological, or marital tribulations that is caused by the behavior.
7. Giving up or limiting social, occupational or recreational activities due to the behavior.
8. Distress, anxiety, restlessness or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.
9. Distress, anxiety, restlessness or irritability with he/she does engage in the behavior.
How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?
Sometimes, it’s hard to know whether a name close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the notification signs or symptoms.
Here are approximately of the signs and symptoms:
* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web .
* Looking at pornographic notes such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs .
* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform
them of their whereabouts .
* Are controlling during sexual activity or be inflicted with frequent mood swings before or
with sex .
* Are demanding in this area sex, especially regarding time and place .
* Gets mad if a name shows concern in this area a problem with pornography
* Offers no apt communication during sex
* Lacks intimacy before, during and with sex, and offers small or no real intimacy in the relationship
* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them
* Fails to account for increasing number of toll — 800 or 900 — calls
* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes
* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them
* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them
* Feels depressed
* Is increasingly dishonest
* Hides pornography at work or home
* Lacks close acquaintances of the same sex
* Frequently uses sexual hilarity
* Always has a excellent reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).
Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?
It’s valuable for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can start to know and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.
It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most hard to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which makes impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that performing arts them out produces considerable lingering-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall victim to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who kindness and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these strong urges.
From a biological standpoint, research has shown that certain formations in the aptly temporal lobe make certain individuals more prone to sexual arousability from birth. Whether or not such an individual becomes sexually compulsive or perverse at that time depends on the child’s home environment.
Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain challenging-depressants (SSRI’s) has hence shown to be extremely effective in treating the impulse control tribulations of many sexual compulsives.
Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic cloud” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.
This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and blankness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary planet that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, lack, depression and blankness into a state of instant euphoria.
Relinquishing this extremely unique (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.
What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?
Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be copious, encompassing a wide range of emotions and immediate behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance user. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to know and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.
But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.
Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary spur to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate openness and relationship dependability.
Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engaged preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and